A Letter To You

Sarah,

I don't get how you thought that being your friend was my goal. I'm not saying that I didn't like being your friend. I can be anyone's friend, but not yours. Our relationship is too deep for friendship. It's painfully obvious that we want different things and I can't stand for that. I can do a lot of things, but I can't sit idly by and watch you give yourself to other people who don't deserve you. Yes, I feel entitled to have you. I'm sorry that I feel that way, but I do. You won't find another me and I won't find another you. Ever.

I know that opening up is not easy for you, and it's not easy for me either. From the beginning I knew that you were a special person. What does it take to get you to love me? You say that you do but never show it. I always did. I did everything that I possibly could to show you just how great things could be between us. I remember you asking what I expected out of seeing you. I got what I expected. A great night, we laughed and drank and had a lot of fun.

I don't feel like any of this was a waste of time. At all. Getting to know you, seeing you smile, making you laugh will always be a part of me. I thought progress was made that night. I guess I was wrong. One thing I don't understand and never will is how you feel that everything was meaningless. Just another guy seeing you. You knew what I wanted. It was you. It's always been you. It still is, but you made it clear that it can't be.

Knowing that you can go around and be with any guy that shows an interest but not me is incredibly hurtful. What did I do that was so wrong? I feel that we had a real honest to god connection. You say that you loved me in a special way, but you were always distant. Why? Why did I have to go to extreme lengths to get your attention? I'll never understand that. I'll never understand how we can have what we had and you just brush it off like it's nothing.

I said what I said because I was really upset with you. I want this to work. You don't. And that sucks. It really sucks. Everything that I said was true. You don't care about me, what I feel or what I want. You never did. It's always been about you and that's not fair. You say that these words hurt you, but you do nothing to prove me wrong.In a way, it's not even my place to say things. But when you look at it, it is. All of the effort, love, money and time is lost on you.

Is it because it's me who does it? Why can't you see yourself with me? We get along so well most of the time. It's like everything I've ever done gets pushed by the wayside and I really don't get it. I try to. If somebody did what I do for you, I'd be the happiest person alive.

I don't want to hurt you, Sarah. Never have. Shit happens, though. I wanted to take you away from all of the bad things that bring you down.. but you don't want it. You don't want me. I can't be your friend. This is really an all or nothing situation. You can't tell me that you want to run away with me, that you know that we're more than a passing opportunity, that you want me as a partner for life, and expect me to be ok with being your friend.

I've never loved anyone more than I've loved you. I show it, I prove it, even in anger. Would I do what I did if you didn't matter to me, if I really didn't love you as much as I say I did. You won't even give this a chance to work. You put the brakes on us before we could even start the car.