Sunflower

The clock read 5:56 AM as she reached for the liter of swill beside her bed, slightly tipping and pouring it into the coffee cup that rested on the upper part of her left leg. Briefly contemplating a mixer, she shook her head negatively and took her medicine like a champ. The burn that accompanied the shot was well worth it.

Reaching for her pack of smokes, she grabbed one, and lit it up before blowing a cloud of smoke that resembled a deep fog from rural Maine. Sometimes, well, more times than not, she’d stare off into the smoke clouds she created with each exhale. Daydreaming, watching the smoke twist and dance with the cool fall breeze. It was a shame that she grew up in the era of pill pushing physicians, making a buck at any chance they could. This, in turn, lead to her walking through life like a zombie version of herself.

She knew that a lot was missing from her life; this was something that she could not deny. She simply had no way to know how to go about it obtaining it. The fake smiles and counterfeit emotions she passed onto the background characters of her life were beginning to take their toll on her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be happy, or didn’t want to genuinely care about anyone else, but more so about how she had to fix herself the only way she knew how . . . by shutting out the world.

As she grabbed for a prescription bottle on the nightstand, she pushed down and turned the lid, dropping two Xanax pills in her palm. She cracked them in half to break the time release, a trick that an old friend had taught her. She’d never forgotten this tactic, because she didn’t believe it at first, until it hit her like a twenty foot wave. Chuckling to herself, she grabbed the entire bottle of vodka, and downed the two pills.

Clicking the light switch on was damn near blinding, causing her to squint while on the search for her day planner. She threw the planner on the bed and sprawled out on her stomach to thumb through the planner comfortably. As she reached todays date, October 17^th, 2014, her heart sank to her stomach. She couldn’t believe that she had forgotten the significance of this day.

Feelings of regret washed over her, wishing she hadn’t dosed herself so early, especially with the assistance of the eighty-proof booze. She could feel the tears building and refused to let herself appear weak, even if only to herself. She had come a long way, further than she ever dreamed, but still wanted so much more. There was so much she hadn’t learned, hadn’t experienced, and hadn’t questioned.

What is all of this for?

Does he care?

Do I care?

Why are we here?

Is there a God?

Questions overloaded her mind, she could sense a meltdown coming on. He would be here in two hours, and she had no clue what to ask him.

She paced back and forth, forth and back, until she reached for the glass bottle containing her current buzz.  A rage induced grip resulted in her shattering the glass in her hand. Looking down at the floor, then back up at her hand, she gasped at what she had expected to see.

There was no blood.

There were no cuts.

There was no vodka bottle.

There was no bedroom.

Standing still in the darkness, she attempted to scream but to no avail. Rendered useless by temporary paralysis, her eyes were her only friend.

She could hear a sound in the distance.

Pat-pat-pat-pat, pat-pat-pat-pat.

A gang of druids with torches lighting the way accompanied a stage coach. All of the riders stopped at once, as they surrounded her.

She was terrified, and her face was holding no secrets. It appeared as if she had aged years within mere moments, the stress was eating away at her.

“You’ve done very well for us, Lydia. Your dedication, loyalty and allegiance will be rewarded at the utmost level. You know the rules, let your will be known.”

As Lydia attempted to speak, the voice from the stage coach laughed and said, “ah yes, of course, silly me. Unchain her!”

“What rules? Who the fuck are you people?!”

Lydia attempted to approach the stage coach, but was stopped after three steps by two druids, hoods still intact.  After informing her of her wrongdoing and explaining that nobody dare approach their master without being summoned was a sign of great disrespect.

The voice called her forward, and she followed the orders given.

“What is it that you want more than anything on this planet, my dear?”

The question hit her hard. She asked for a moment to think about it, and her request was granted. Her new reality was a dark forest, surrounded by creepy guys in hoods with huge torches, and a mystery voice in a stage coach. She felt like an alternate version of Cinderella, or something.

She stepped forward, head high and ready to deliver her answer with pride.

“Ok, hi, yeah hi,” she said as she waved towards the front of the coach, “so, I’m not really sure what you guys know or don’t know about me, so I’m just gonna tell you. Things suck right now and they didn’t used to. Things used to be wonderful, I had friends, great friends, and a decent family, and a good life… and now it’s just, everything is shit. I just want to feel ok, I want to be free. I want to let go. I want to let go of all of this stuff that I carry around with me everywhere I go. I want to be me again. I want to let go, please. Help me let go all of all of this stuff that I feel every day, and how hard this is to even just navigate through a single day.”

The druids dissipated into clouds of smoke, one by one, until it was just Lydia and the stage coach.

Daydreaming, watching the smoke twist and dance with the cool fall breeze.

“You may go, my child.”

The EKG machine flatlined, and after a fifteen year coma, Lydia had finally succumbed. She died alone, with nothing but a wilted sunflower by her bedside.